Forgive Yoself
One of life’s harsh realities is that at some point, someone will hurt you. This hurt can be minor like someone forgetting to grab you food or it can be a major hurt like betraying your trust. Either way, we are taught to forgive others. We are taught that it may be hard but forgiving other people is for you, not necessarily for them. The Bible tells us in Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV): “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” The deeper you grow in your relationship with God, you begin to realize that the person who grieved you is just a hurt person who hurt you and just like God extends grace to us, we should extend grace to them. But what about when it’s hard to forgive yourself?
In college, I did a multitude of stupid things. The top of the list includes forsaking my promise to God to stay abstinent until marriage and losing my virginity to a guy who wasn’t even a boyfriend or a guy I was seriously talking to. Next, it was deciding that the best way to be chosen, to be claimed as someone’s girl and loved the way I dreamed about was to become sexually liberated and just “have fun” until the right guy came around. Then, there was entering into a relationship with a guy I barely knew and remaining in that relationship because he said he would stay with me after I discovered I contracted Type 1 genital herpes. It took years to forgive the person who gave me herpes. It took time to accept my new condition and even longer to believe that I could find love with the condition. However, it took until a few years ago for me to forgive myself for the events that led to me contracting herpes.
In that unforgiveness, I began to believe that I wasn’t deserving of the full love of God. Yes, He loved me and He was still answering prayers, but there was a distance between us. I couldn’t ask for healing. I couldn’t ask for forgiveness because I knew better. I disappointed Him and there was no way I could be fully reconciled to Him.
It took conversations with friends and loved ones and reading God’s Word before I believed the scripture: “You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea” (Michah 7:19, NIV). It was hard to believe that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, NIV). Because why would He do that? How could He love me that much?
I had to realize my unbelief in God forgiving me was because I couldn’t forgive myself. I realized that I had to extend grace to myself. Yes, I shouldn’t have had sex before I was married, but it happened. If I wanted to heal, if I wanted to believe and trust in the supreme God who never left me nor forsaken me, I had to forgive myself. Therapy helped me to understand what motivated my actions in college. Young Kayla wanted to be loved, had faced rejection in a myriad of ways and in her hurt, self-destructed. I was a casualty.
But I could choose to rise above that. I could choose to heal.
So, I forgave every me that was tucked in the corner of my soul, crying in desperation. I would do better so we all could be proud. I would do better so I could experience the joy and peace that God’s children are promised.
As I matured in my faith, I realized that God knows what you were going to do before you do it. God loves each and every one of us so much that He sent Jesus to die for our sins – whatever sins those may be, however many those sins may be. 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV) says: “if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” God is not a God who can lie. He’s faithful.
He CAN and He WILL forgive you for your sins, but first, similar to Matthew 6:14-15, YOU MUST FORGIVE YOU FIRST.
